It has been quite a while since I wrote here.

No excuses, I was emotionally in a space where I don’t think that anything I had to say would have been easy for me to share publicly.

I am writing after a long hiatus today because I genuinely cannot help but feel content.

A few posts ago I spoke about my efforts to accept myself in totality. I have understood that perhaps one of the biggest steps towards self realization includes the ability to accept ourselves. All our desires, traits, hopes, matter how dark…no matter how untapped….they deserve recognition.

If I accept my behaviors, feelings and attitudes without feeling the need to alter them based on external associations, I don’t feel persecuted, judged or demoralized for not living up to a perceived sense of self. I feel comfortable in my own skin, because I now not only know what my own skin is but I also appreciate what it feels like.

I can’t help but wonder if  this is what true happiness comprises of? Accepting ourselves at our raw most self. I have a long way to go before I can accept everything and everyone that I truly am. For now I feel content knowing that perhaps this settling feeling is the first step not only towards self realization but (maybe) also happiness.

*I realize that I may be making grave grammatical errors in my writing, pardon me! If you notice any grammatical errors or have any suggestions, feel free to add a comment. Happy Reading.


Someone had to say it!

This may not be as insightful of a post as I might have wanted, but I couldn’t help but write this down.

I was in conversation with a dear friend, a male friend and what he said almost cleared the cobwebs in my mind about, what is it that men really want?!

We were having a conversation about our common friend and he didn’t hesitate before saying, “Chika you know why someone will pick xyz over you?” although I was tipsy and could think of a million reasons why someone would pick this “xyz” over me, considering how we’re completely different.

I remained quiet and looked on inquisitively.

He then said what, I have been trying to obviously ignore for a while now, “you will question a guy’s demands, you will question Chika if I ask you to pick up a napkin I just dropped, whereas XYZ would just pick it up, no questions”.

This was undoubtedly the most simple minded, yet informational advice I have ever received about men.

As I write this, a million questions shroud my mind, yet this description seems to wholly answer most of doubts about men I have hopelessly tried to “figure out”.

More to come as my doubts clear themselves.

Peace…or at least, peace

With everything that has going on in my life since my last post, almost a month ago (family relationship turmoil, uncertainty about my dreams, just a general lack of spirits) there has also been an awakening of sorts.

I have realized that I am strangely at peace.  With so many aspects of my life not taking the direction I want them to, with so much uncertainty about whether I will be able to reach my goal, my anxieties have only led to a strong sense of lasting peace.

Ironic? I guess, foolish? perhaps, but I can’t help but realize that for the first time in my life I have learnt to accept the reality.

No matter how debilitating, no matter how harsh, the lack of romanticizing ideas actually makes me feel very calm in my thoughts.  Not to say that I still don’t frequently romanticize about Mariano Di Vaio (MDV)

and hope that someday we will bump into each other, fall madly in love and get married on the coasts of Italy !  but I do believe that some of my adolescent dreaming has stopped.

I no longer have “perfect” images of an “ideal” self as I was taught  by family and society, I have accepted my strengths, understood my weaknesses and I am working towards appreciating more about myself as I discover all that is I am and am not.

I only hope that as I move ahead in this journey of self discovery and perhaps increased appreciation, I will not altogether lose my ability to dream and hope. The questions in my mind that still loom at large are , if I start accepting the reality, start enjoying this peace, will I forget how to dream? or do I have to stop idealizing to be happy? what if some of my ideal self is actually achievable? but will that ideal self ultimately make me happy? romanticizing sometimes takes me away from the cruel reality so is it all that bad after all?

Only time will tell how this is to be.. till then I guess I’ll stick with less weight cursing and more dream kissing MDV!

Family, dreams and distant moons

With everything that has been going on in my life lately, the most pressing has been my relationship with some key members in my family.

Difference of thoughts, actions and most importantly choices can causes rifts in any relationship, I guess it just sits deeper when you have these differences with someone in your family.

I compare the difference in choices to the ability to see a different moon in the sky, where a difference in ideals would mean seeing a different sun in the sky,

I believe that love is not words, but thoughts and actions, so no matter how much I claim to love someone, it needs to show in my actions towards them.

I just do not understand how ‘love’ can be cruel and hurtful in it’s actions? does the fact that you differ in thoughts from your near ones mean that you don’t love them? does it mean you don’t respect them?

When we’ve been brought up to respect and imbibe democratic thoughts, why does difference in opinion with loved ones mean hate?

These recent times have not been the easiest, I have realized that even your most loved people may have a definition of love and relationship that is very different from yours.  Agreeing to someone else’s idea of respect and ‘right’ may be the only definition of love for some, where some may think it means respect for each other’s differences despite all odds.

In its entirety, the depth of a family relationship may not be so deep at all, or perhaps because of its depth it hurts more when disturbed.

There are so many unanswered questions in my mind about family and how ‘love’ works with people you’re born loving and keep on loving?

Can we have a break up with someone in the family? is there a rebound phase? are you allowed to get back? are you allowed to question? most of all can you ever really change for family ?

Don’t read into this

Lonely at night, when I’m alone and out

I’ll wear my dark lipstick

and my fears wear out

I wish for hope,

so bright to come by

the darkness awaits

I fear it’ll go by,

So dark, so bright,

much fear, all doubt.

You’ll come, he won’t

I’ll live, he falls out.

Promise, tears

they break, all lies

Just my conscience

makeup, makes by

Make no fear, doubt shrouds all

you’ll win, I’ll fail

I’ll watch you out

This doesn’t rhyme, so stop.

Baby let it go

We’ve all had some unpleasant experiences in our lives, some worse than others. Here I’m talking about the latter, the more painful experiences (mostly involving loved ones).

When you look back at a bad experience, how easy is it to deal with all the emotions that surface?

We’re always told, ‘let it go’, ‘forget it’, ‘don’t think about it’  but does that really work?

Can we really ever forget something, that at some point may have caused devastating pain and anguish?

I’ve always found it very difficult to not think about a painful experience from the past, not that I actively dwell on it..but when thoughts of a sad memory surface, I find it difficult to just ‘let it go’.

I have come to terms with (rationalized) a lot of pain that may have been caused in the past but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten it altogether or that those memories don’t still put me down.

Can we ever really forget someone? can we ever really forgive someone? Can we ever really let go of  hurt and anger?