It has been quite a while since I wrote here.

No excuses, I was emotionally in a space where I don’t think that anything I had to say would have been easy for me to share publicly.

I am writing after a long hiatus today because I genuinely cannot help but feel content.

A few posts ago I spoke about my efforts to accept myself in totality. I have understood that perhaps one of the biggest steps towards self realization includes the ability to accept ourselves. All our desires, traits, hopes, matter how dark…no matter how untapped….they deserve recognition.

If I accept my behaviors, feelings and attitudes without feeling the need to alter them based on external associations, I don’t feel persecuted, judged or demoralized for not living up to a perceived sense of self. I feel comfortable in my own skin, because I now not only know what my own skin is but I also appreciate what it feels like.

I can’t help but wonder if  this is what true happiness comprises of? Accepting ourselves at our raw most self. I have a long way to go before I can accept everything and everyone that I truly am. For now I feel content knowing that perhaps this settling feeling is the first step not only towards self realization but (maybe) also happiness.

*I realize that I may be making grave grammatical errors in my writing, pardon me! If you notice any grammatical errors or have any suggestions, feel free to add a comment. Happy Reading.


Peace…or at least, peace

With everything that has going on in my life since my last post, almost a month ago (family relationship turmoil, uncertainty about my dreams, just a general lack of spirits) there has also been an awakening of sorts.

I have realized that I am strangely at peace.  With so many aspects of my life not taking the direction I want them to, with so much uncertainty about whether I will be able to reach my goal, my anxieties have only led to a strong sense of lasting peace.

Ironic? I guess, foolish? perhaps, but I can’t help but realize that for the first time in my life I have learnt to accept the reality.

No matter how debilitating, no matter how harsh, the lack of romanticizing ideas actually makes me feel very calm in my thoughts.  Not to say that I still don’t frequently romanticize about Mariano Di Vaio (MDV)

and hope that someday we will bump into each other, fall madly in love and get married on the coasts of Italy !  but I do believe that some of my adolescent dreaming has stopped.

I no longer have “perfect” images of an “ideal” self as I was taught  by family and society, I have accepted my strengths, understood my weaknesses and I am working towards appreciating more about myself as I discover all that is I am and am not.

I only hope that as I move ahead in this journey of self discovery and perhaps increased appreciation, I will not altogether lose my ability to dream and hope. The questions in my mind that still loom at large are , if I start accepting the reality, start enjoying this peace, will I forget how to dream? or do I have to stop idealizing to be happy? what if some of my ideal self is actually achievable? but will that ideal self ultimately make me happy? romanticizing sometimes takes me away from the cruel reality so is it all that bad after all?

Only time will tell how this is to be.. till then I guess I’ll stick with less weight cursing and more dream kissing MDV!

Shout, from my first and only Black Arts Movement class

I had the good fortune of being able to attend a diverse Black Arts Movement Class in college. Where in the beginning I felt out of place and out of sync, as we read about the struggles and triumphs of the black people in America, it became clear to me that their struggle was similar in some ways  to the Indian people’s struggle against the British Raj. After creating presentation on Huey Newton and the Black Panthers, I was moved to pen this poem on the feelings of a black man talking about his struggle and thoughts against his white slave master.

I named it ‘Shout’  here goes..

My color is unique, found in the Australian swan.

Yet with a million of my brothers,

In this land I stand denounced.

I was taken from a village,

While I sang my country song,

Teaching my young offspring,

Just how to get along.

Now I stand here naked,

Stripped of everything I had,

In white man’s clothing,

All my cries go unheard.

The rings around my ankles, I broke long ago,

But the shackles that bind my heart,

Strangle me every day.

Who am I? Where do I belong?

They let me eat their grains,

But don’t let me be the farmer.

When I talk about my land, my culture

My brethren, my blood

They turn a deaf ear, pretend it was never heard.

I want my children and theirs there forth,

To know the value of their skin and hair,

It’s not a special aisle in the store,

Nor a broken fence in the neighborhood,

It’s not only special one month in a year,

Nor is it a box in a plea to be accepted.

The color of my skin, the power of my being

The remnants of my glorious culture,

Surge through my veins, like venom through a snake.

It inspires me, incites me, pushes me

Throws me, it angers me.

My brothers have laid their lives and I seek revenge,

But I will not shed blood.

Because I do not seek blood,

I seek a revolution, I want a revolution.

A change of hearts, a change of minds,

A change in the winds that give me the jitters.

Give me a part on your stage, a verse in your song

A color on your easel or a page in your book,

And watch my revenge unfold.

Like the grains in a granary, united we should stand

Hold them at their words, their actions

Their promises, their demands.

Let the perpetrators know, that

Treachery might break our bones

But pride will nurse our spirits back to life.

And though the color of darkness, on our skins might shine

When we wring your hearts

Instead of blood, they’ll bleed dirt and grime.

So hold my hand as I chant this rhyme,

Awaken your heart, awaken your mind

Awaken what you thought was lost

Your innermost, awaken your deepest divine.