With everything that has going on in my life since my last post, almost a month ago (family relationship turmoil, uncertainty about my dreams, just a general lack of spirits) there has also been an awakening of sorts.
I have realized that I am strangely at peace. With so many aspects of my life not taking the direction I want them to, with so much uncertainty about whether I will be able to reach my goal, my anxieties have only led to a strong sense of lasting peace.
Ironic? I guess, foolish? perhaps, but I can’t help but realize that for the first time in my life I have learnt to accept the reality.
No matter how debilitating, no matter how harsh, the lack of romanticizing ideas actually makes me feel very calm in my thoughts. Not to say that I still don’t frequently romanticize about Mariano Di Vaio (MDV)
and hope that someday we will bump into each other, fall madly in love and get married on the coasts of Italy ! but I do believe that some of my adolescent dreaming has stopped.
I no longer have “perfect” images of an “ideal” self as I was taught by family and society, I have accepted my strengths, understood my weaknesses and I am working towards appreciating more about myself as I discover all that is I am and am not.
I only hope that as I move ahead in this journey of self discovery and perhaps increased appreciation, I will not altogether lose my ability to dream and hope. The questions in my mind that still loom at large are , if I start accepting the reality, start enjoying this peace, will I forget how to dream? or do I have to stop idealizing to be happy? what if some of my ideal self is actually achievable? but will that ideal self ultimately make me happy? romanticizing sometimes takes me away from the cruel reality so is it all that bad after all?
Only time will tell how this is to be.. till then I guess I’ll stick with less weight cursing and more dream kissing MDV!